Tuesday, March 22, 2005

the dark inside of me

Have you ever done something.. so deep .. so dar that you didnt want anyone to know about it? Something that fills you with shame and despair everytime you think of it? Something you have told only a select few.

I have.

Something I wouldnt ever forgive myself for. Something I dont think many would understand, or approve of.

I push things ot the back of my mind and hope that I never remember. Most of it was my marriage, I have blocked so much of that out of my mind.

He was a monster.. and I didnt want to be beaten anymore. Most people dont understand. Why would you stay in a marriage like that? You are weak, you are stupid.

I saw the videos for Independane day and Broken Wing from Martina McBride today, whenver I see abuse it makes me feel vulnerable, like someway he can get to me again. I think thats why I fear for my kids so much, I know there is evil out there. I have seen it in him.

It was because of him as a threat, I know it was my own choice, it was because I was afriad, is why I did it. But, of course, I can't put the blame on him, it was me who ultimatley was the ont in the end.

Part of me wishes I had killed him. It the survivor instinct, kill or be killed. Luckily, I got away before it came to that.

I've been reading blogs of so many women who want to be pregnant and have babies.. and here I am .. lucky.. I have two healthy wonderful kids.. why is it that I have them and they don't? Why, a bad as I am, why is it I have them when these wonderful other women deserve them more than me?

They more I read, the more guilt and sadness I feel. I should have had 4 kids.. but I dont... and its my fault. I will never forgive myself, and I dont expect anyone else to.

But, maybe it will stop someone else for making the same mistakes I did. With living with abuse as well as ending your pregnancies. I've been through therapy yes, I am happy that I have Bian and didnt listen to my ex-husband and get rid of him too.. I keep telling myself the reason why I did it was because i was soo afraid of losing my husband.. asshole that he was..I would rather get rid of the pregnancies.. than lose him.. I was stupid.. no man is worth it.. everytime I see baby clothes.. babies.. anything to do with pregnancies or babies.. I cry.. and I only hope that those lives i ended will forgive me. I think about them and wonder what they would be like today. I see them in every baby I see.

Yes, I'm a mess.

I'm sorry

9 Comments:

Blogger aibee said...

oh sweet girl.

:(

The shitter about hindsight is that we look at our past with the wisdom we have today. Thing is, we only have that wisdom *because* of our past.

Without one, there would not be the other.

Maybe you'd do different now, but remember, you did your best then too. Be proud of who you were and who you are, and who you've yet to be.

9:39 PM  
Blogger Shannon said...

You may feel that there is reason to feel guilt and remorse. To some extent you are right. However at the same time, you know yourself that if you had chosen otherwise, you may not be with us here today quite possibly.

I understand the pain and grief of losing a child, it's been nearly 18 years and I still weep in the deep dark of the night because I know that I will never have another (I've since had 4 miscarriages).

You are doing as I am, going back to nursing school to be a better person and believe me, you ARE a better person if for no other reason than that you are now focusing on what is important....making your life and that of the children you DO have much better.

I'm not saying forget what's happened. I'm saying let it build you and make you stronger. You CAN do it. If you can make it through nursing school I know you can do this.

You know where to find me if need be. I've got shoulders big enough, try em on for size ;)

Thanks for stopping by.

7:53 AM  
Blogger obsidian said...

You know, you are right Aibee, I would have done it a LOT different.. but then I keep telling myself, I wouldnt have had my son, he was number 3 pregnancy.. maybe i would have fougt with the ex to keep pregnancy number 2. :( I was weak and didnt stand up for myself and now i feel the guilt that i should have done somethig.. anything.. I could have gone home to my parents.. something. Much of the time I was the only one working.. I could have left, but i didnt.

Now I am stronger, and if "S" (my guy now) now ever hit me.. his bags would be on the front lawn with the sprinklers going.. well after he was back from jail they'd be there.

obsidian

9:53 AM  
Blogger obsidian said...

ok i wrote a post to you Shannon, but it disappeared. So I will wait a couple of hours to see if it turns up. :(

evil internet grrrr.

obsidian

10:08 AM  
Blogger little fish said...

I have suffered from physical abuse from my mother, but since then things i have changed for the better, i have often had worries for my younger sister...I could have been estranged for years funny how things change, i guess it's easier to leave a husband than it is a mother, maybe....

10:10 AM  
Blogger obsidian said...

Little fish,

I think its hard to leave anyone. You trust a parent to take care of you. You trust a husband to love and cherish you.

And too you have to remember I was 24 when i left my husband.. and for children being abused, sometimes, no one believes them or they dont have any place to run to or they are too young to talk or to understand.

But its important to say something to someone.. i didnt,.. and I regret it.

obsidian

5:40 PM  
Blogger obsidian said...

Alright Shannon, i havent seen anything turn up that I wrote before. So i will try to remember what I said.

I do feel like I lost a child, it wasnt really soemthing I wanted to do. It was something he wanted, and to protect myself, I did it..It was like I wanted to do everything he told me to do so he would be happy with me. And I think it is the same with any abuse.

I could of run, but then i wouldnt have my son :( or maybe I would have had him sooner. I dont know. I wish I had turned my husband in many times. He only went to jail once, and because I didnt turn him in, he went on to hurt more women and have more kids. Whe I left him he had 3 different women he was messing around with. He is nuts and his parents dont think anything is wrong with him. They used my son's social security number to lease a house in Utah. His soon to be ex wife told me aboutit. He also changed his name and he changes jobs often enough to escape having to pay for child support.

I know he was nuts, but I feel liek I should have done something you know? But like aibee said, looking back on the past i can see now what I should have done then, but i didnt know it then.

When I decided to be a nurse, I wanted to care for the babies that are sick. To maybe help pay back the fact that I exstinguished my own.

I also thought of Labor and delievery, to maybe help some pregnant women who are being abused at home.

I want to help to make up for what I had happen to me, what I let pass by, and what i coudl do to help other women who coud be int he same situation as I had been.

Thanks to you all for supporting me in my time of self doubt and shame :(

obsidian

5:48 PM  
Blogger Angel said...

sid,

I actually had to go and look up my blogger account just so I could respond.

(((((((obsidian))))))))

I really do believe that we make the choices we make, given the information that is available to us (the universal 'us') at the time.

I try very hard not to dwell on the 'what if', because it'd drive me crazy, and I am not altogether sure that I could take it, really.

Without going into grand amounts of detail, I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to little faces that should've been, or at least, that seem like they ought to have.

Yanno though, if things played out precisely in such a way as to alleviate all guilt, would things be as they are now? (which, over here with me, is pretty alright... no, better than alright. I have 3 great kids, and I love them dearly).

I don't know that I'd have them, if I hadn't made some tough choices NOT to take other avenues.

Doesn't mean that I don't wonder. Wondering gets me every time.

9:42 PM  
Blogger obsidian said...

I agree Angel.. I thank God everyday that I have the two children i have now. and things might have played out differently.. I wouldnt have had Scott now.. and things would not be the same.

Thank you so much for writing.. I konw that in a little tiny piece I am still sad for what i did. BUT.. I am happy with things the way they are now.

I do think maybe i should have one more baby..but I dont think Scott is too thrilled bout it..

we'll see :)

10:16 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home